The All New Aquaman Sponsored by BP

Thursday, June 10 2010 - The Insanity of DaveOMac - by: daveomac

The Insanity of DaveOMac: Vol. 4 # 2

For those of you who do not live on the beautiful Gulf Coast of Florida you are lucky. Sure you are missing out on beautiful winters, beaches covered with soft sand, pretty girls and lots of sun and of course the beautiful gulf waters. However you do not currently have to worry about the massive clusterf&%k that is currently going on in our waters thanks to those wonderful Brits from BP. Perhaps they were still upset about us dumping their tea in the water and wanted to return the favor.

I will be honest in the fact that I am trying to stay positive. Our beaches are not affected yet, it’s more than likely coming our way (I’m near Sarasota if you are wondering), but things are not horrible yet. However this is the worst environmental disaster in US history and things will get a million times worse before they get better. Not only will the environment be ruined for decades but the effect on property values, tourism, jobs and the entire economy of Florida is in trouble.  We here at Crimson Monkey want to keep positive. We here at Crimson Monkey will survive (especially if this site catches steam and I won’t need to depend on the economy of Florida). So let’s look at a positive way that we could deal with the worst case scenario and that is by proposing a very special comic targeted at citizens of the gulf coast and how we need to accept our soon to be new fates!



That’s right folks I propose that DC comics publish “The All New Aquaman” sponsored of course by BP. This all new Aquaman could take a lot of cues from the Blackest Night Version of him, when he was an undead Aquaman controlling dead sea creatures. DC can keep the current direction they already have but just slip in a quick trip to the gulf and a little exposure to the oil spill. Surely this would be all that needs to occur to revert ole Aquaman back to his undead persona.

Now don’t jump to conclusion that this Aquaman is evil. Sure he commands the undead fish and birds and mammals of the sea. Yes he sleeps in the decaying coral reefs. Yet this Aquaman defends the rights of oil companies to drill and teaches the citizens of the gulf coast that the oil is actually a blessing.

A typical issue would show Aquaman protecting existing and new oil rigs from no good “hippies” who want to sabotage them. After all it was the “hippies” that caused the leak in the first place!!! (Sorry for the spoilers but that is the shocking end of the first issue).

Every issue would also end with important tips and lessons for kids. Among these lessons would be why it’s silly for their parents to protest BP as BP is fixing this mistake and continues to bring them competitive prices at the pump and contains 50% ethanol! Also kids will learn that tar balls are fun, especially when you have enough for a game of dodge ball. Sometime though these lessons will get serious and explain important things to the kids, like how the dead birds deserve their fates for being heathens and not accepting Jesus into their hearts.

Now I don’t expect DC to hire me to write this, after all a book of this importance to the world deserves a well-known writer. I know they will find the best, especially with BP sponsoring the book, they do have a billion or two they could spare. As for an artist I’d recommend a Florida based artist to really capture the feeling of joy that us Floridians have knowing that someone is out there defending BP against what those “hippies” did.

I for one encourage you all to email, tweet and share this on Facebook so that someone at DC or BP can get this going! After all, making an oil propaganda book like this makes as much sense as any of the other ideas that the wonderful people at BP have had! I mean really, they tried putting a box over the leak and when that did not work they tried a bigger box! Surely Aquaman could make as much a difference.